Feeling conflicted has been the theme for this week. I have had some reaffirmation that I am on the right path, today, after spending much of the week questioning what I’m doing. My (physical therapist/former dancer) teacher for Pilates told me not to give up, and that what I was doing was wonderful and smashed every doubt I had. She loves her job so much, it kind of makes me jealous and her energy is like fireworks at all times. I always have to pry myself away from talking to her after class. Also, I just had this really positive unexplainable feeling all day today, that I can’t shake. I worked really hard on stretching my Développé position and front splits, and 2nd position. All which seem terribly hard for me.
In terms of other things in my life, work has been exhausting mixed with dance (is it me or am I always eating, sleeping, or in the shower?)and I had the grueling task this week of returning things to someone I once dated. It’s as if I was hanging onto something selfishly, instead of letting it go. So I did what any girl would do, I put on a sob song, put together all of his things in a crappy walmart sack (hey I had to get in one last jab) and dropped it off on his porch with a letter I once wrote to him. I felt like crying the entire process of this, but once I dropped off the stuff, I felt like I did the right thing, even though it probably hurt both of us in some way to do so. He did teach me how to open up, in turn, making me follow my dreams and becoming a better dancer in the long run. Ugh, somehow dance and love always coincide.
( I later found out this guy and his NEW GIRLFRIEND read my letter out loud as they went through the bag and I was so humiliated. This guy was a Class A douchebag.)
So I ask you, how can you ever dance great if you don’t know how it feels to find love and lose it, and find it again??
You have to know how to lose yourself completely, to find yourself again.
Yesterday, I got to see the costume room at the ballet school, and it looked like everything you dreamed of as a little girl: tulle, sparkles, glitter, in a giant perfect white room. I was trying not to overstay my welcome, but I couldn’t help just to be speechless, and think of that photo of Karl Lagerfeld staring at the ballerina on pointe in her Chanel tutu.
Right in front of my face was Balanchine’s Serenade gowns, the periwinkle and waterfall colored gowns, and I caught a glance of the Nutcracker collection… maybe another day I’ll get to stay longer.