I'm exploring Costa Rica with virgin eyes that have never seen a rain forest or toucan.
I am overwhelmed by it's beauty however getting caught in the work trap. I'm always on the inside of the boat looking outside.
It's making me anxious and I'm wanting a change. I cannot and will not be unhappy at a job again. Is it happening? I'm not sure.
I've seen Paos Volcano, a coffee plantation, have walked through a butterfly garden and have seen a jaguar. Color burst forth I've never seen before.
Insects I couldn't even dream exist. I often wonder if I'm so taken aback from this place, how beautiful God is to think of all this.
And how beautiful heaven must be. I would compare this place to paradise.
I still have no idea what I'm doing.
I will never be with someone who doesn’t make me feel the ocean running through my veins.
I need to get more into writing. I also feel I need to read the bible more.
December 4 2015
We traveled from costa rica to panama. I'm tired. Already boat tired. There is something about the boat that keeps us all here. Is it the occasional recreational visit outside? The workload is intense and would drain any normal human being of all energy. But we are all boat people, and we have a gust of extra energy that keeps us going. no matter the weather, the storms, how high the white caps are on the open ocean, the time changes, late nights and constant sleep deprivation. We are sailors.
Dec 8 2015
Day 11 of this trip i think.
It all started out so rough to be honest. But today we finally got a day at the beach and we swam and looked at puffer fish and saw iguanas. I thought it was worth the grueling labor. We all laughed and released our stress and lived and breathed in this tropical paradise. The boat can be so hard on you. I watch people slowly sink into autopilot from the constant demands and the lack of sleep. But there are times of magic, like throwing the rotten fruit overboard at midnight as hard as we can. Or staying up writing and talking about books. All of these things, take the anchor off our shoulders.
Dec 16, 20145
I went snorkeling for the second time in my life today on Isla Granito De Oro. I swam with parrot fish and explored fish by the rocks. I was absolutely in love with the ocean all over again. The colors of the fish I could hardly comprehend. They were all so bright and intrinsic and not scared of me. I took off my snorkel and swam as fast I could toward a buoy until my arm got stung by a jelly and I swam back to shore. The captain came ashore today, and I said a few flirty words to him. I admit I can hardly resist his charm. I felt incredibly free and amazing for two hours.
I went outside at night after we crossed the panama canal. I was doing a mundane task, and not paying attention to much. Then i looked up and saw a skyline lit up like a dainty Christmas tree. the building slender, and moderate height. The lights petite and an array of sharp colors. It didn't look like any skyline i've ever seen in the united states before and it just looked perfect. I couldn't stop staring at it. The water was a midnight blue inkwell and my mind was overcome with wonder of something I've never seen before. Panama city.
It's christmas. I cried in the storeroom on the boat staring at the juice boxes. It just didn't feel like christmas. I felt used and no one told me merry christmas. and honestly this is the first christmas i didn't think about God or Jesus that much. I read my bible in my bed for maybe ten minutes on my break. Something felt different and empty and I didn't like it. So after work I climbed onto the lido deck and did one hour of ballet under the costa rican stars and I laid on my back staring and for the first time I noticed the little dipper. than the big dipper. and I felt free. And happy. And contemplative. The best part of my christmas was dancing ballet under the stars.
I'm physically, mentally and emotionally drained from the boat. I feel as if I can not possibly handle two more weeks. But I will. I ask myself why I keep doing this kind of work. Maybe it's time for me to actually take action and find something fulfilling. I feel used a lot at work and a bit like a work horse who is driven into the mud with bloody hooves and the rider keeps cracking the whip.
Six days left. I'm exited. and wiped out. Killer whales bow rode the ship today. I could hear them squeaking(talking) in the foc'sle through the walls (bulkhead). I have been in a weird mood the last two days...I am starting to like a boy and it's weird. we call it boat goggles here. when you kind of just lose your mind and like someone random because of the delusion of the long hours, no sleep and close space. I'm having trouble sleeping. I'm nervous to travel to Nicaragua but excited at the same time. I'm scared. Of this boy or traveling I don't know. I told him how I felt today, he was pissing me off by flirting with girls right in front of my face. It was bothering me so i just told him. i might have made everything worse or better I don't know. but i had to get it off my mind.